History of the World for ADD Sufferers, Part I

There was a big bang, it started time and space (or something like that), the planets formed around the sun, including ours, which was really friggin’ hot. Eventually it cooled, and the mist turned to water.

A whole bunch of science stuff happened and life started, hooray. Eventually life got complex enough to start doing cool stuff, like looking like dragons without the fire breath. The “good” dinosaurs ate grass and some had massive horns, the “bad” dinosaurs had massive teeth and ate the good guys. There were lots of fun battles that later got depicted in children’s books in full technicolour.

Then they died out, sixty five million years ago, probably from a meteorite – though I like to imagine aliens invaded and there were great battles, with the dinosaurs rallying around a vegetarian T-Rex, who preached unity for survival, and they almost defeated the invaders. But they didn’t, with most of them getting vaporised, and the rest taken back to the alien planet to labour in slave camps for the rest of time.

Bad for them, but good for us, because our mammal ancestors got to climb the corporate ladder and get seriously bad-ass.

Two opposable thumb promotions later, and some ape-like dudes were carving sticks and ramming them down big mean cat creatures’ throats. It was a big step forward, and before long we were running around in dank caves, fighting bears and procreating on their former coats. We had cousins called Neanderthals, but while they were bigger than us, they weren’t as smart, and our weapons (obviously compensating for something they had bigger than us) turned the tide. There was some interbreeding; the ginger gene comes from them, which is why Cartman from South Park doesn’t trust red-heads.

We figured out how to grow our own food with agriculture, and civilization was born.