Death and Taxes (and another random rant)

Isn't it fantastic that of the two inevitabilities of life, they only properly prepare you for the first one?

Almost every culture in the world has some fascination with death. Which makes sense, it is a party-stopper of note.

Not only that, but most of these cultures throw in some social programming too. Death is treated a bit like a real-estate system. Depending on how you were when you died, depends on where you end up living after you've stopped living. Humans are crazy. If you were good, hooray, you get a nice cloud, and here's your standard issue harp and standard issue wings. Make sure you pick up your standard issue halo on your way out of the office.

If you were bad, well, we'll make sure there's some space for your ass in the Lake of Fire...

Anyway, what they really need is some morality story and fairy tale about the princess who forgot to file her tax returns. I think the bible mentions it with something about giving Caesar his coins with his face on it back (why did the cunt hand it out in the first place?).

Because taxes are a way of life, and with most countries, with the high level of corruption found just about everywhere, the need to make the budget is that much more urgent. You gotta pay your taxes.

I gotta pay my taxes, and I haven't properly filed a goddamn return in about four years. This got me thinking, what's the worst that can happen? I could land up in one of the notorious tax prisons, where everyone wears a white collar. Nope, no such luck, victimless criminals live with the brutal bank robbers and murderers for some reason.

It doesn't make sense, now does it? It's not like prison officials don't know that in prison culture, you're a man if you've butchered some innocent family, but a "woman" if you got caught for fraud. You don't want to be a "woman" in a male prison. You really don't. All the vaseline in the world ain't gonna save your ass.

The reason the higher-ups can't possibily be ignorant about this is one of the favourite recycled pieces of news that magazines and papers like to cover is male rape in prison, which tends to be really high. Magazines wait five years then recycle recycle recycle.

No, prison officials and politicians don't give a crap. It's part of their neferious nature, and no amount of human interest story is gonna change that. So if you do find yourself about to be arrested for a white-collar crime, there's really only one thing you can do.

Stab someone.

I'm not normally the type to advocate violence. I abhor violence. But I also care about your ass, buddy. So that's why you gotta keep a blade with you at all times. If you're about to be arrested for some stupid crime like forgetting a monthly maintenence installment, loitering or something, go Hannibal Lecter on something. Preferably a stupid prison official or politician who's forced this situation on you. Go mental. Go large. Get creative, start a blood splatter exhibition.

You'll end up in the joint a lot longer than intended.

But at least you won't be somebody's bitch.

And hey, this is one time the expression "society made me do it" is probably true.

The Da Vinci Formula

Great, so Dan Brown's released another book.

Dan Brown is the sort of writer your high school English teacher warned you about. His novels are recycles of the first one; he uses a formula.

Based on this, I don't actually have to have read his latest repackaging of the same story, I just have to be familiar with his previous efforts:

SPOILER WARNING: (Only applicable if you've never read any books by Brown before)

So Dr Tom Hanks has been called to [insert city name here] by the very people who distrust him, the [insert organisation here]. He encouncters a macarbe [body/hand/dog/Hollywood producer], and needs to solve the mystery.

Fortunately, beautiful and smart [insert brunette's name here] teams up with him.

Unfortunately, they're being stalked by dangerous psychotic [insert weird cultist's name or title here], who played with way too much lead - and forgot to wash his hands before eating his jellybean sandwich - as a kid.

They have a couple of narrow escapes while uncovering clues to the mystery. Meanwhile a mysterious villain is secretely calling the shots.

In a surprising twist, the villain's identity is revealed to be none other than [insert person you least suspected and had some sort of plausible reason to not be the villain, be they Dr Tom Hank's best friend/college professor/dog]. Surprising because they had [a walking problem/lost their limbs in a fake kidnapping/hernia/been the Pope's assistant and was played by the angelic Ewan McGregor].

Dr Tom and his brunette lady friend manage to turn the tables on the villain, and uncover the mystery, which was [researched on wikipedia/a now disproved theory/pulled out of Dan Brown's ass], and millions of readers will now talk about its [bullshit/false/idiotic] implications at coffee shops and bookstores around the world.

In the process they manage to severely piss off the [Catholic Church/Political Establishment/Anyone with a triple digit IQ].

Thanks Dan, for another riveting read. I can't wait for your next [book/attempt to make another crap Hollywood movie/poisoning of the barely literate].

I'd sell you out for a starship

In the news is one very naughty scientist who was trapped trying to sell state secrets to the Israelis - although no actual Israelis were involved, and the operation was a sting.

Well, that got me thinking. I'm a bit contrary on this. Generally speaking, I think it's extremely poor taste to spy on your own country, especially if you were born, raised and educated there.

On the other hand, I'd sell out the entire human race for a starship from some advanced alien life forms. Not that I'm any position to hand over privledged information (and as a result of this blog entry, probably never ever will be).

Why would I defect to the side of the aliens, you didn't ask? Haven't I watched enough alien invasion movies to know that we're always in the right, and aliens are either / or / and the following:

a) Strange parasites that (orally) rape you to impregnate you with disgusting chest-bursting creatures... Alien

b) Strange hunters that carve you up in the South American (or concrete) jungles for sport, and pleasure... Predator

c) Resource hungry invaders who strip planets of all goodness before moving onto the next one... Independence Day

d) Scientology-inspired creeps who want to enslave us... Battlefield Earth

e) ET The most TERRIFYING MOVIE of ALL TIME

Except for perhaps a) and e), the silver screen aliens aren't that dissimilar from us (though as far as a) is concerned, I think you'd find in rural areas, other species have good reason to fear us). Yes, the pathologically terrifying monsters we see on TV are actually external representations of our very own dark nature (with d) being Tom Cruise).

Also, it's propaganda. Haven't you learnt to distrust Hollywood by now? Shame on you!

How could aliens possibly be worse? For one thing, if they actually managed to get to a stage of technological development capable of travelling between star systems, there's a good chance they've got some sort of stable society. Ours certainly isn't.

At the rate we're going, with the wars, economic and political corruption, the short-termed self-interest at the expense of society in the longer term, etc etc, we'll be lucky if we create truly artifical intelligence - which will then do us a huge favour and enslave us (or destroy us, whatever works for them), for the greater good.

And in any case, if I get my hands on a starship, I can go forth and see if there's any intelligent life out there.

I have my doubts if there's any here.

Free FaceBook Statuses: Cries for Help

FaceBook status messages have many uses: sometimes it's to let people know how you're doing, what you're listening to or watching, or what your opinions on something (somewhat) important (at least to you) are. And then there's the good ol' Cry for Help. Because you're depressed, emotionally unstable, and struggling with life, but you've lost the backbone necessary to reach out to someone.

For those poor lost souls who need some ideas on an appropriate Cry for Help, here are some options, to make the people in your life feel sorry for you.

Please note, if these don't work, and nobody cares, and you kill yourself, neither I nor FaceBook is responsible for the failure of these statuses working for you.

(Note to FB Police & concerned cyber-citizens: all names used here are random, and are not intended to victimise any real and / or specific person)


CRIES FOR HELP:


Tim just wrote his last note. Ever.

Janie can't remember if it's "across the road" or "down the street"...

Jake knows that love can be found on the Russian mail-order bride site.

Dex wonders if connecting the hosepipe to your exhaust works if you're using unleaded.

Dereck just enjoyed his last day. Ever.

Marc WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME YOU FRIGGING WHORE!! I LOVED YOU I LOVED YOU!!!

Melanie will be unavailable in the near future. If you want to speak to her, contact John Edwards...

Craig needs advice on which religions don't treat suicide as a mortal sin...

Elizabeth has picked out a nice street corner for herself.

Jesse loved the last Black Eyed Peas album.

Cara will miss her family.

Ted is... [okay this one is really overused]

Jen says, "Goodbye, cruel world." [a classic]

Tania just enjoyed her last meal. Ever.

Sonya why? WHY? WHY?!?!?

Kerrie hopes her boyfriend is still alive. And if he is, WHY HASN'T HE CALLED!?!

Jonothan voted for the Republican Party, and feels pretty darn good about that.

SSDD Day

What's with all the special theme days? I was listening to the radio again, and it was something like Scream Like a Dumbass Day (it's possible that I didn't quite catch the name correctly) being promoted.

Guess what happened? They got a caller, and then all three radio hosts, plus the caller, screamed for absolutely no good reason. I'm assuming a third of the population joined in. And now we know everyone who's got a goddamned extra chromosome.

I think the Human Race has officially gone too far. Do we really need any more arbitrary days to highlight some cause (or, as in Dumbass Day, end up starting some)?

What is it about our species that has to take some half-way decent idea, and then milk it for everything it's worth? The rate we're going, very soon - covering the entire planet - there's going to be a mile-high pile of dead horses with flog marks on them.

Okay, fine, here's my humble suggestion for this whole damn special day thing. Same Shit Different Day Day.

Are you happy now?

History of the World for ADD Sufferers, Part I

There was a big bang, it started time and space (or something like that), the planets formed around the sun, including ours, which was really friggin’ hot. Eventually it cooled, and the mist turned to water.

A whole bunch of science stuff happened and life started, hooray. Eventually life got complex enough to start doing cool stuff, like looking like dragons without the fire breath. The “good” dinosaurs ate grass and some had massive horns, the “bad” dinosaurs had massive teeth and ate the good guys. There were lots of fun battles that later got depicted in children’s books in full technicolour.

Then they died out, sixty five million years ago, probably from a meteorite – though I like to imagine aliens invaded and there were great battles, with the dinosaurs rallying around a vegetarian T-Rex, who preached unity for survival, and they almost defeated the invaders. But they didn’t, with most of them getting vaporised, and the rest taken back to the alien planet to labour in slave camps for the rest of time.

Bad for them, but good for us, because our mammal ancestors got to climb the corporate ladder and get seriously bad-ass.

Two opposable thumb promotions later, and some ape-like dudes were carving sticks and ramming them down big mean cat creatures’ throats. It was a big step forward, and before long we were running around in dank caves, fighting bears and procreating on their former coats. We had cousins called Neanderthals, but while they were bigger than us, they weren’t as smart, and our weapons (obviously compensating for something they had bigger than us) turned the tide. There was some interbreeding; the ginger gene comes from them, which is why Cartman from South Park doesn’t trust red-heads.

We figured out how to grow our own food with agriculture, and civilization was born.

Reality Bytes (if life was reviewed like a computer game)

Pros: Best graphics engine seen ever, Unique character, Can pretty much do anything, Has great multiplayer potential.

Cons: Lots of boring sections, Harsh penalties for deviant behaviour limits how you'll play, End up with a useless character? Too bad, Getting laid is really frustrating.


The first thing you'll notice when you start playing Reality is its graphics engine. It can only be described in one word: AWESOME. It's probably the most powerful seen to date, and certainly captures the world you're playing in. Everything is worth doing once just to see how it looks. Sunsets, sunrises, full moon at midnight on the beach, sex while swinging on a chandelier, etc. Every city you visit looks down-right amazing, every character you meet looks unique. It's simply outstanding. There's no lag, no freezes, nothing. And if graphics were all that counted for a review, this game would receive a 100% score.

Unfortunately, it's not. The actual game play is far more mixed. Let's start off with the worst element of the entire game: boredom. There are long stretches where not that much happens that's fun. This can be a motivating factor, however, to actually explore the game world. The sandbox nature of the game is very well implemented, and you can pretty much do anything you want to. This is somewhat limited by your character though.

Your character is completely and utterly unparalleled. Which is both good and bad. The good is, every game is a different experience, played in a different way. The bad is, there's not much scope for change. Your character's nature is based on an engine called The Genetic Lottery, which is predetermined. You could get great stats, but if you get crap ones, you have to live with it. Which means you won't even be hoping to be a Sex God, you'll just be happy not to have an extra chromosome! There are a bunch of the usual stats seen in Role Playing Games, such as Strength, Intelligence, Looks, etc. But stats are way more complex than any other game you've yet played.

Intelligence, for example, is made up of both IQ and EQ. Emotional Intelligence is just as important for doing well as IQ. If your character is high on IQ but low on EQ, you could end up as a game programmer, earning a lousy salary and working insane hours. However, you could have a moderate IQ but a high EQ, and you could be working as an executive for a game publishing house with a top salary, and plenty of champagne lunches.

And yes, there's scope for change. You're a 90-pound weakling, so what do you do? You go to the gym. This takes a certain amount of commitment that the average gamer probably can't fulfil. GYMING IS BORING. You could try steroids. This is way faster, but could lead to some interesting happenings: You could very well start taking on sexual characteristics of the opposite gender... Not very amusing for you, but definitely for the rest of us (did we mention this game has the ultimate multi-player capabilities?).

And speaking of “multi-player”, you want to have sex, right? Bummer, dude, because it's waaay harder in Reality than in other games. The Looks attribute is important for scoring in the Romance Missions, but they're not the most vital thing. Plenty of characters have gone and done “whoop-ee” with far hotter characters by having a high Charm score. Still, it's a lot of work, and your chances of success are pretty slim without making use of a variety of strategy and luck if only your mother thinks you’re handsome. Chances are you'll have to settle for someone as ugly as you are, although probably worse. This is where the Brown Paper Bag item comes in handy.

Alternatively, if your character doesn't have any good attributes, you can always go on the Prostitute (and Gigolo) Side Mission. Unfortunately implementing a firewall known simply as “Protection” is not always enough to keep from getting nasty Malware programmes. Do this at your own extreme risk. Remember: in Reality, Life is not plural. In this game, you only get one, and there is no save-game function (which we take serious issue with).

Yes, like us, you'll probably find the lack of save-game function a severely limiting factor to playing the game. You want to tell your boss off and hopefully earn his respect? You could just get fired and spend three months hunting down food in trash-cans. There's no way to know for sure how things are going to work out, and no way to undo any damage you cause as a result. So you'll probably end up playing the game cautiously, which takes out half the fun.

Which leads to the most compelling yet limiting aspect of the game. The capacity for getting in touch with your own criminal mastermind is huge, far bigger than in games like Grand Theft Auto. If you have the necessary attributes (such as a decent IQ/EQ and some good old fashioned criminal insanity), you could try becoming a Czar of the Criminal Underworld. Yet, this is not without excessive risk. In GTA, you get caught for mass-murdering countless innocent civilians, you get your weapons taken away and have to bribe a few officers, that's it. Here, just try it and watch them lock you up and disintegrate the key. Then you're stuck in a little cell for the rest of the game, which could be a good 30 to 40 hundred thousand hours of game-time.

In conclusion, Reality has a lot going for it, but in terms of actual game play, you'll find yourself hardly doing anything to avoid nasty consequences. For all its beauty and scope, you'll find you're confined to monotony and boring activities through your own self-imposed limitations. You could make an interesting life for yourself if you're lucky enough to have the necessary attributes, but chances are you'll just lead a mediocre existence with mediocre game play, like most of the others playing it.

Reality is only recommended for people with nothing better to do.

Thank you for smoking crack

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Douchebag, Inc

So a couple of weeks ago I received an sms on my cell-phone, about how I had won $2.8 million in a lottery I didn't enter. It had something to do with the FIFA World Cup 2010 happening next year, and I'm sure it wasn't the first or last bullcrap marketing message to be used in connection with it.

That's what you gotta love about these scammers, there's never a situation too happy or sad that they won't try to exploit. It's kind of special, really.

Anyway, as happens with me when I hear about having "won" something in an obviously fraudulent communication, I still fantasise about what I'd do with my new found millions.

I'd like to start a company, because, you know, what's the point of winning millions if you spend it all at once on hos and cocaine? Sure it's fun while it lasts but in the end you enter rehab broke with venereal disease. I want more from life. Like a company that I own, and I can boss people around. I needed an idea, of course, what would we do?

One option is to try restart the Ninja Craze by producing tons of web-shows in the style of Heroes (but with Ninjas!).

The other is to fuck with people by creating a company that sends lots of random smses about the millions you've won in some fake draw.

I even have a name for the second option: Douchbag, Inc.

The Moon Colonization Project

Here's a little brainchild / brain fart idea I had a couple of weeks ago.

A bit of history: I was reading the papers at the time. I hate reading the newspapers because it drastically increases my urge to drink. So I stopped, but not before coming up with a plan to colonize the moon in order to get off this godforsaken rock.

Yeah, basically, we (that's me and other interested parties - including you if you're sick and tired of all the senseless wars, corrupt powerful narrow-minded politicians and the latest Black Eyed Peas tracks sounding exponentially worse than the previous ones) come up with a brilliant advertising campaign, hook Sir Richard Branson into funding us, and somehow take over NASA (perhaps with incriminating photos) and get all that money, science and latest technology into one helluva melting pot and out pops the Moon Colonization Project.

We go off to the moon, form our own society, do our best to leave bullcrap ideology behind (except for everyone contributes) and live a life of peace and harmony or something.

In any case, Earth is best viewed from a telescope.

So who's with me?