The Da Vinci Formula

Great, so Dan Brown's released another book.

Dan Brown is the sort of writer your high school English teacher warned you about. His novels are recycles of the first one; he uses a formula.

Based on this, I don't actually have to have read his latest repackaging of the same story, I just have to be familiar with his previous efforts:

SPOILER WARNING: (Only applicable if you've never read any books by Brown before)

So Dr Tom Hanks has been called to [insert city name here] by the very people who distrust him, the [insert organisation here]. He encouncters a macarbe [body/hand/dog/Hollywood producer], and needs to solve the mystery.

Fortunately, beautiful and smart [insert brunette's name here] teams up with him.

Unfortunately, they're being stalked by dangerous psychotic [insert weird cultist's name or title here], who played with way too much lead - and forgot to wash his hands before eating his jellybean sandwich - as a kid.

They have a couple of narrow escapes while uncovering clues to the mystery. Meanwhile a mysterious villain is secretely calling the shots.

In a surprising twist, the villain's identity is revealed to be none other than [insert person you least suspected and had some sort of plausible reason to not be the villain, be they Dr Tom Hank's best friend/college professor/dog]. Surprising because they had [a walking problem/lost their limbs in a fake kidnapping/hernia/been the Pope's assistant and was played by the angelic Ewan McGregor].

Dr Tom and his brunette lady friend manage to turn the tables on the villain, and uncover the mystery, which was [researched on wikipedia/a now disproved theory/pulled out of Dan Brown's ass], and millions of readers will now talk about its [bullshit/false/idiotic] implications at coffee shops and bookstores around the world.

In the process they manage to severely piss off the [Catholic Church/Political Establishment/Anyone with a triple digit IQ].

Thanks Dan, for another riveting read. I can't wait for your next [book/attempt to make another crap Hollywood movie/poisoning of the barely literate].