There was a big bang, it started time and space (or something like that), the planets formed around the sun, including ours, which was really friggin’ hot. Eventually it cooled, and the mist turned to water.
A whole bunch of science stuff happened and life started, hooray. Eventually life got complex enough to start doing cool stuff, like looking like dragons without the fire breath. The “good” dinosaurs ate grass and some had massive horns, the “bad” dinosaurs had massive teeth and ate the good guys. There were lots of fun battles that later got depicted in children’s books in full technicolour.
Then they died out, sixty five million years ago, probably from a meteorite – though I like to imagine aliens invaded and there were great battles, with the dinosaurs rallying around a vegetarian T-Rex, who preached unity for survival, and they almost defeated the invaders. But they didn’t, with most of them getting vaporised, and the rest taken back to the alien planet to labour in slave camps for the rest of time.
Bad for them, but good for us, because our mammal ancestors got to climb the corporate ladder and get seriously bad-ass.
Two opposable thumb promotions later, and some ape-like dudes were carving sticks and ramming them down big mean cat creatures’ throats. It was a big step forward, and before long we were running around in dank caves, fighting bears and procreating on their former coats. We had cousins called Neanderthals, but while they were bigger than us, they weren’t as smart, and our weapons (obviously compensating for something they had bigger than us) turned the tide. There was some interbreeding; the ginger gene comes from them, which is why Cartman from South Park doesn’t trust red-heads.
We figured out how to grow our own food with agriculture, and civilization was born.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
Reality Bytes (if life was reviewed like a computer game)
Pros: Best graphics engine seen ever, Unique character, Can pretty much do anything, Has great multiplayer potential.
Cons: Lots of boring sections, Harsh penalties for deviant behaviour limits how you'll play, End up with a useless character? Too bad, Getting laid is really frustrating.
The first thing you'll notice when you start playing Reality is its graphics engine. It can only be described in one word: AWESOME. It's probably the most powerful seen to date, and certainly captures the world you're playing in. Everything is worth doing once just to see how it looks. Sunsets, sunrises, full moon at midnight on the beach, sex while swinging on a chandelier, etc. Every city you visit looks down-right amazing, every character you meet looks unique. It's simply outstanding. There's no lag, no freezes, nothing. And if graphics were all that counted for a review, this game would receive a 100% score.
Unfortunately, it's not. The actual game play is far more mixed. Let's start off with the worst element of the entire game: boredom. There are long stretches where not that much happens that's fun. This can be a motivating factor, however, to actually explore the game world. The sandbox nature of the game is very well implemented, and you can pretty much do anything you want to. This is somewhat limited by your character though.
Your character is completely and utterly unparalleled. Which is both good and bad. The good is, every game is a different experience, played in a different way. The bad is, there's not much scope for change. Your character's nature is based on an engine called The Genetic Lottery, which is predetermined. You could get great stats, but if you get crap ones, you have to live with it. Which means you won't even be hoping to be a Sex God, you'll just be happy not to have an extra chromosome! There are a bunch of the usual stats seen in Role Playing Games, such as Strength, Intelligence, Looks, etc. But stats are way more complex than any other game you've yet played.
Intelligence, for example, is made up of both IQ and EQ. Emotional Intelligence is just as important for doing well as IQ. If your character is high on IQ but low on EQ, you could end up as a game programmer, earning a lousy salary and working insane hours. However, you could have a moderate IQ but a high EQ, and you could be working as an executive for a game publishing house with a top salary, and plenty of champagne lunches.
And yes, there's scope for change. You're a 90-pound weakling, so what do you do? You go to the gym. This takes a certain amount of commitment that the average gamer probably can't fulfil. GYMING IS BORING. You could try steroids. This is way faster, but could lead to some interesting happenings: You could very well start taking on sexual characteristics of the opposite gender... Not very amusing for you, but definitely for the rest of us (did we mention this game has the ultimate multi-player capabilities?).
And speaking of “multi-player”, you want to have sex, right? Bummer, dude, because it's waaay harder in Reality than in other games. The Looks attribute is important for scoring in the Romance Missions, but they're not the most vital thing. Plenty of characters have gone and done “whoop-ee” with far hotter characters by having a high Charm score. Still, it's a lot of work, and your chances of success are pretty slim without making use of a variety of strategy and luck if only your mother thinks you’re handsome. Chances are you'll have to settle for someone as ugly as you are, although probably worse. This is where the Brown Paper Bag item comes in handy.
Alternatively, if your character doesn't have any good attributes, you can always go on the Prostitute (and Gigolo) Side Mission. Unfortunately implementing a firewall known simply as “Protection” is not always enough to keep from getting nasty Malware programmes. Do this at your own extreme risk. Remember: in Reality, Life is not plural. In this game, you only get one, and there is no save-game function (which we take serious issue with).
Yes, like us, you'll probably find the lack of save-game function a severely limiting factor to playing the game. You want to tell your boss off and hopefully earn his respect? You could just get fired and spend three months hunting down food in trash-cans. There's no way to know for sure how things are going to work out, and no way to undo any damage you cause as a result. So you'll probably end up playing the game cautiously, which takes out half the fun.
Which leads to the most compelling yet limiting aspect of the game. The capacity for getting in touch with your own criminal mastermind is huge, far bigger than in games like Grand Theft Auto. If you have the necessary attributes (such as a decent IQ/EQ and some good old fashioned criminal insanity), you could try becoming a Czar of the Criminal Underworld. Yet, this is not without excessive risk. In GTA, you get caught for mass-murdering countless innocent civilians, you get your weapons taken away and have to bribe a few officers, that's it. Here, just try it and watch them lock you up and disintegrate the key. Then you're stuck in a little cell for the rest of the game, which could be a good 30 to 40 hundred thousand hours of game-time.
In conclusion, Reality has a lot going for it, but in terms of actual game play, you'll find yourself hardly doing anything to avoid nasty consequences. For all its beauty and scope, you'll find you're confined to monotony and boring activities through your own self-imposed limitations. You could make an interesting life for yourself if you're lucky enough to have the necessary attributes, but chances are you'll just lead a mediocre existence with mediocre game play, like most of the others playing it.
Reality is only recommended for people with nothing better to do.
Cons: Lots of boring sections, Harsh penalties for deviant behaviour limits how you'll play, End up with a useless character? Too bad, Getting laid is really frustrating.
The first thing you'll notice when you start playing Reality is its graphics engine. It can only be described in one word: AWESOME. It's probably the most powerful seen to date, and certainly captures the world you're playing in. Everything is worth doing once just to see how it looks. Sunsets, sunrises, full moon at midnight on the beach, sex while swinging on a chandelier, etc. Every city you visit looks down-right amazing, every character you meet looks unique. It's simply outstanding. There's no lag, no freezes, nothing. And if graphics were all that counted for a review, this game would receive a 100% score.
Unfortunately, it's not. The actual game play is far more mixed. Let's start off with the worst element of the entire game: boredom. There are long stretches where not that much happens that's fun. This can be a motivating factor, however, to actually explore the game world. The sandbox nature of the game is very well implemented, and you can pretty much do anything you want to. This is somewhat limited by your character though.
Your character is completely and utterly unparalleled. Which is both good and bad. The good is, every game is a different experience, played in a different way. The bad is, there's not much scope for change. Your character's nature is based on an engine called The Genetic Lottery, which is predetermined. You could get great stats, but if you get crap ones, you have to live with it. Which means you won't even be hoping to be a Sex God, you'll just be happy not to have an extra chromosome! There are a bunch of the usual stats seen in Role Playing Games, such as Strength, Intelligence, Looks, etc. But stats are way more complex than any other game you've yet played.
Intelligence, for example, is made up of both IQ and EQ. Emotional Intelligence is just as important for doing well as IQ. If your character is high on IQ but low on EQ, you could end up as a game programmer, earning a lousy salary and working insane hours. However, you could have a moderate IQ but a high EQ, and you could be working as an executive for a game publishing house with a top salary, and plenty of champagne lunches.
And yes, there's scope for change. You're a 90-pound weakling, so what do you do? You go to the gym. This takes a certain amount of commitment that the average gamer probably can't fulfil. GYMING IS BORING. You could try steroids. This is way faster, but could lead to some interesting happenings: You could very well start taking on sexual characteristics of the opposite gender... Not very amusing for you, but definitely for the rest of us (did we mention this game has the ultimate multi-player capabilities?).
And speaking of “multi-player”, you want to have sex, right? Bummer, dude, because it's waaay harder in Reality than in other games. The Looks attribute is important for scoring in the Romance Missions, but they're not the most vital thing. Plenty of characters have gone and done “whoop-ee” with far hotter characters by having a high Charm score. Still, it's a lot of work, and your chances of success are pretty slim without making use of a variety of strategy and luck if only your mother thinks you’re handsome. Chances are you'll have to settle for someone as ugly as you are, although probably worse. This is where the Brown Paper Bag item comes in handy.
Alternatively, if your character doesn't have any good attributes, you can always go on the Prostitute (and Gigolo) Side Mission. Unfortunately implementing a firewall known simply as “Protection” is not always enough to keep from getting nasty Malware programmes. Do this at your own extreme risk. Remember: in Reality, Life is not plural. In this game, you only get one, and there is no save-game function (which we take serious issue with).
Yes, like us, you'll probably find the lack of save-game function a severely limiting factor to playing the game. You want to tell your boss off and hopefully earn his respect? You could just get fired and spend three months hunting down food in trash-cans. There's no way to know for sure how things are going to work out, and no way to undo any damage you cause as a result. So you'll probably end up playing the game cautiously, which takes out half the fun.
Which leads to the most compelling yet limiting aspect of the game. The capacity for getting in touch with your own criminal mastermind is huge, far bigger than in games like Grand Theft Auto. If you have the necessary attributes (such as a decent IQ/EQ and some good old fashioned criminal insanity), you could try becoming a Czar of the Criminal Underworld. Yet, this is not without excessive risk. In GTA, you get caught for mass-murdering countless innocent civilians, you get your weapons taken away and have to bribe a few officers, that's it. Here, just try it and watch them lock you up and disintegrate the key. Then you're stuck in a little cell for the rest of the game, which could be a good 30 to 40 hundred thousand hours of game-time.
In conclusion, Reality has a lot going for it, but in terms of actual game play, you'll find yourself hardly doing anything to avoid nasty consequences. For all its beauty and scope, you'll find you're confined to monotony and boring activities through your own self-imposed limitations. You could make an interesting life for yourself if you're lucky enough to have the necessary attributes, but chances are you'll just lead a mediocre existence with mediocre game play, like most of the others playing it.
Reality is only recommended for people with nothing better to do.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Douchebag, Inc
So a couple of weeks ago I received an sms on my cell-phone, about how I had won $2.8 million in a lottery I didn't enter. It had something to do with the FIFA World Cup 2010 happening next year, and I'm sure it wasn't the first or last bullcrap marketing message to be used in connection with it.
That's what you gotta love about these scammers, there's never a situation too happy or sad that they won't try to exploit. It's kind of special, really.
Anyway, as happens with me when I hear about having "won" something in an obviously fraudulent communication, I still fantasise about what I'd do with my new found millions.
I'd like to start a company, because, you know, what's the point of winning millions if you spend it all at once on hos and cocaine? Sure it's fun while it lasts but in the end you enter rehab broke with venereal disease. I want more from life. Like a company that I own, and I can boss people around. I needed an idea, of course, what would we do?
One option is to try restart the Ninja Craze by producing tons of web-shows in the style of Heroes (but with Ninjas!).
The other is to fuck with people by creating a company that sends lots of random smses about the millions you've won in some fake draw.
I even have a name for the second option: Douchbag, Inc.
That's what you gotta love about these scammers, there's never a situation too happy or sad that they won't try to exploit. It's kind of special, really.
Anyway, as happens with me when I hear about having "won" something in an obviously fraudulent communication, I still fantasise about what I'd do with my new found millions.
I'd like to start a company, because, you know, what's the point of winning millions if you spend it all at once on hos and cocaine? Sure it's fun while it lasts but in the end you enter rehab broke with venereal disease. I want more from life. Like a company that I own, and I can boss people around. I needed an idea, of course, what would we do?
One option is to try restart the Ninja Craze by producing tons of web-shows in the style of Heroes (but with Ninjas!).
The other is to fuck with people by creating a company that sends lots of random smses about the millions you've won in some fake draw.
I even have a name for the second option: Douchbag, Inc.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
The Moon Colonization Project
Here's a little brainchild / brain fart idea I had a couple of weeks ago.
A bit of history: I was reading the papers at the time. I hate reading the newspapers because it drastically increases my urge to drink. So I stopped, but not before coming up with a plan to colonize the moon in order to get off this godforsaken rock.
Yeah, basically, we (that's me and other interested parties - including you if you're sick and tired of all the senseless wars, corrupt powerful narrow-minded politicians and the latest Black Eyed Peas tracks sounding exponentially worse than the previous ones) come up with a brilliant advertising campaign, hook Sir Richard Branson into funding us, and somehow take over NASA (perhaps with incriminating photos) and get all that money, science and latest technology into one helluva melting pot and out pops the Moon Colonization Project.
We go off to the moon, form our own society, do our best to leave bullcrap ideology behind (except for everyone contributes) and live a life of peace and harmony or something.
In any case, Earth is best viewed from a telescope.
So who's with me?
A bit of history: I was reading the papers at the time. I hate reading the newspapers because it drastically increases my urge to drink. So I stopped, but not before coming up with a plan to colonize the moon in order to get off this godforsaken rock.
Yeah, basically, we (that's me and other interested parties - including you if you're sick and tired of all the senseless wars, corrupt powerful narrow-minded politicians and the latest Black Eyed Peas tracks sounding exponentially worse than the previous ones) come up with a brilliant advertising campaign, hook Sir Richard Branson into funding us, and somehow take over NASA (perhaps with incriminating photos) and get all that money, science and latest technology into one helluva melting pot and out pops the Moon Colonization Project.
We go off to the moon, form our own society, do our best to leave bullcrap ideology behind (except for everyone contributes) and live a life of peace and harmony or something.
In any case, Earth is best viewed from a telescope.
So who's with me?
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